^^^^^ … I’m REALLY that!!
Thanksgiving. Thanks. Giving.
For the last week all I’ve been hearing from just about everyone is how friggin thankful they are for their spouse, their children, the troops, their boss, their pool boy, the maid, their dog, cat or bird, aunts, uncles and let’s not forget cousin it, REALLY??? Are you fucking kidding me? We have become so cautious to speak what we’re really thankful for that we’ve allowed current day society to dictate what we say in “public”!! Sooooo I’m going to tell ya what I’m REALLY THANKFUL for (Warning: If you are even remotely offended, consider this my last ditch effort to get you to remove yourself permanently from my FB page!!):
1. I’m Thankful that I don’ t have a loaded gun and I don’t work for the post office (I wonder if the employees are background checked for a concealed weapons permit?… hmmmmm).
2. I’m Thankful I don’t have a co-dependent dog, high maintenance cat or a friggin lazy dirty ass bird!
3. I’m Thankful that I am not blonde.
4. I’m Thankful my closest friends know who they are (note to yourself: If you have to ask if you are a “close friend” then the answer is: Fuck No!! Consider yourself an “acquaintance”! ).
5. I’m Thankful for cable, Wi-Fi and my DVR — even though ComCast customer service sucks and I pay out the ass for in house entertainment!!!
6. I’m Thankful that my man is STD and static free (safety first people)!
7. I’m Thankful for the makers of decent beer, cheap wine, good champagne and a cabinet full of holy rolling spirits (for the younger crowd, that would mean: alcohol. Never confuse alcohol with beer, wine or champagne unless you want to be dropped kicked in the head by a massive hangover!).
8. I’m Thankful I don’t have my own kids – because if I did I’d be in jail…..they’d know what it was like to have their ass kicked every now and again just to remind them: I MADE YOU!!
9. I’m Thankful that my parents didn’t name me Chris.
10. I’m Thankful that my family lives just far enough away that “dropping over” requires a trip to the gas station, road tripping snacks and a stop at Dunkin Donuts!! Makes ‘em think twice before they just want to blow that kinda money for a “visit”
11. I’m Thankful for my hardwood floors and fuzzy socks!!
12. I’m Thankful I have the knowledge and skill to prepare a 10 course meal, but I CHOOSE not too!
13. I’m Thankful I know how to change a tire – but am smart enough to have AAA.
14. I’m Thankful that my mind is a dirty, gutter hall of fame!!!
15. I’m Thankful that I really don’t give a fuck what 99% of all people in this world think about me.
16. I’m Thankful I deleted more than 1,500 “friends” from my FB account – I decided I don’t really like that many people and I didn’t feel badly even once about hitting the DELETE or BLOCK options. I’m ok with creepers, but not assholes, idiots and “feel bad for me” types (if you currently fall into one of these categories you are next on the block — and if you have to ask if you are one, the answer is YES. Yes you are a stupid fucktard!!!).
17. I’m Thankful I have a magikally awesome iPhone4s.
18. I’m Thankful for SEX!
19. I’m Thankful for any movie with Gerard Butler (AMEN and Hal-ah-lew-yerrrr!).
20. I’m Thankful I’m NOT 18 — can’t even imagine growing up in today’s world as a kid. My parents woulda gone ape shit and I’m sure I’d have been institutionalized by age 16.
21. I’m Thankful I hear dead people.
22. I’m Thankful that I’ve made some pretty fucked up decisions in my life and plan on making a few more strategically placed so that I don’t get committed!!
23. I’m Thankful that I have a voice — and I U.S.E. IT — mostly for good, sometime for evil — always for sarcasm.
24. I’m Thankful that I get a 4 day f’n weekend OFF from work — 2 of them P.A.I.D. (ohhh yeeeaaahhhhh)!!!
And 25. (‘cause I’m fucking tired and need a trypto nap!) I’m THANKFUL that I have enough common sense to annoy those I know I can, insult those who will take it too seriously, throw caution to the wind at someone else’s expense and live each day like the day after tomorrow’s tomorrow may be my last